Chicken
The domestic chicken achieves a maximum velocity of fourteen kilometres per hour during short terrestrial sprints, a respectable figure for a bird whose body mass has been optimised for consumption rather than athletics. Wild jungle fowl ancestors demonstrated superior speed, but modern broiler genetics have prioritised breast meat development over cardiovascular performance.
Flight remains technically possible for heritage breeds, with documented bursts covering ten to fifteen metres horizontally before gravity reasserts its authority. Commercial meat birds, bred to reach market weight in six weeks, typically lack the wing-to-body ratio necessary for meaningful aviation. Their attempts at flight resemble controlled falling with theatrical wing movements.
Reaction time, however, proves impressive. Chickens respond to perceived threats within three-tenths of a second, a reflex evolved during millennia of predator evasion. This speed serves little practical purpose in modern battery farms but remains encoded in ancestral memory.
Rubber Duck
The rubber duck achieves a consistent velocity of zero under standard conditions. As an inanimate object composed primarily of polyvinyl chloride, it possesses no internal propulsion mechanism and must rely entirely upon external forces for locomotion. This is not a design flaw but rather a fundamental characteristic of synthetic bath accessories.
Under specific circumstances, the rubber duck can achieve impressive speeds. When dropped from a significant height, terminal velocity approaches fifteen metres per second. When released from shipping containers into the Pacific Ocean, as occurred in the famous 1992 Friendly Floatees incident, rubber ducks have demonstrated capacity to traverse entire ocean basins over periods of years, riding currents at speeds determined by oceanographic conditions.
The species excels at passive displacement. In bathwater, convection currents, child-generated waves, and strategic placement can move a rubber duck considerable distances without any effort on its part whatsoever.
VERDICT
This category presents a fundamental ontological distinction. The chicken possesses autonomous mobility; the rubber duck possesses buoyancy and patience. Whilst the duck's ocean-crossing capabilities via shipping accident demonstrate remarkable passive range, the chicken's ability to initiate movement independently represents a qualitatively different form of speed.
The evaluation framework rewards self-directed velocity. A rubber duck that circles the globe on ocean currents has not become fast any more than a stone becomes athletic by tumbling downhill. The chicken, though hardly competing for land-speed records, can decide to move and then execute that decision using its own biological resources.
Victory goes to the chicken through the irreducible advantage of possessing functional legs and the neurological capacity to use them intentionally.