Topic Battle

Money has inspired rather more substantial cultural output: the entire field of economics, Wall Street (both the location and the films), approximately 73% of all hip-hop lyrics, and the collected works of Charles Dickens. The pursuit of money has motivated the construction of every skyscraper, the launching of every startup, and the writing of every self-help book promising financial freedom. It has its own dedicated television channels broadcasting 24 hours daily to audiences who find watching numbers fluctuate genuinely entertaining.

Money's transformative power operates on a civilisational scale. It transforms labour into leisure, dreams into reality, and perfectly reasonable humans into contestants on reality television programmes. Studies indicate that sudden wealth changes brain chemistry in ways remarkably similar to cocaine use, whilst its absence triggers genuine psychological withdrawal symptoms. Unlike vampirism, monetary transformation is entirely reversible—though statistically speaking, lottery winners return to their original financial state within five years.

Money's methods of acquisition have inspired countless innovations in human creativity, from honest labour to elaborate Ponzi schemes. The modern human can pursue money through approximately 12,000 documented occupations, various investment vehicles, inheritance, gambling, or appearing on reality television. Unlike blood, money can be acquired without physical contact, stored indefinitely without refrigeration, and transferred across continents in milliseconds. It can even generate more of itself through the mysterious process known as compound interest.

Money has demonstrated a rather more robust form of immortality, having survived the collapse of every civilisation that created it. The concept simply transfers to new hosts—from cowrie shells to gold doubloons to cryptocurrency—with remarkable adaptability. The British pound sterling, for instance, has existed since 775 AD, weathering plagues, world wars, and Brexit with characteristic stoicism. Unlike Dracula, money requires no coffin, fears no crucifix, and has never been successfully killed by a wooden stake.

Money's vulnerabilities are rather more abstract but equally devastating: inflation erodes its value silently, recessions evaporate it overnight, and poor investment decisions can eliminate it entirely. Money is vulnerable to theft, taxation, divorce proceedings, and the inexplicable human tendency to spend it on items advertised at 3 AM. During the hyperinflation of 1923, German marks became worth less than the paper they were printed on—a fate no vampire has yet suffered.