Where Everything Fights Everything
Extremely slow-moving arboreal mammal that has perfected the art of energy conservation.
Violent rotating column of air touching ground.
Throughout human history, civilisations have grappled with two persistent phenomena: the hedgehog, a rotund insectivore boasting approximately 5,000 keratin spines, and Death, the cessation of biological function that has maintained a 100% success rate since life began 3.8 billion years ago. One shuffles through suburban gardens at dusk; the other arrives uninvited and refuses to leave. Today, we subject both to rigorous comparative analysis.
The hedgehog scores poorly on inevitability metrics, whilst Death achieves a perfect 100% encounter rate across all demographics, geographies, and tax brackets.
The hedgehog achieves what Death cannot: being welcome at garden parties. One might reasonably look forward to spotting a hedgehog; the same cannot be said for its competitor.
Whilst Sonic remains culturally significant, Death has shaped human civilisation at its most fundamental level. Every monument to permanence is ultimately a response to Death's existence.
The hedgehog demonstrates genuinely impressive defensive engineering. Death wins by default through categorical inapplicability, but the hedgehog earns this criterion for actually having something to defend.
The hedgehog faces existential threats to its continued existence. Death, ironically, faces no such concerns. One is fighting for survival; the other has never known competition.
The Winner Is
In this unexpectedly poignant comparison, Death emerges victorious with a score of 65 to 35. The hedgehog mounts a valiant defence, demonstrating superior approachability and genuinely impressive spine-based defence mechanisms. However, Death's perfect inevitability record, unparalleled cultural influence, and billions of years of consistent performance prove insurmountable advantages. The hedgehog remains beloved; Death remains undefeated. Perhaps there is wisdom in this outcome: we cherish the hedgehog precisely because, unlike its opponent, it will not always be there.