Where Everything Fights Everything
Extremely slow-moving arboreal mammal that has perfected the art of energy conservation.
Sound artist creating melodies and rhythms.
In the grand theatre of night-time phenomena, two performers have captured humanity's imagination with remarkable tenacity. The hedgehog, a rotund insectivore sporting approximately 5,000 spines, has shuffled through British gardens for some 15 million years. The Moon, our planet's only natural satellite, has maintained its orbital vigil for 4.5 billion years, controlling tides and inspiring countless poets to produce questionable verse.
One fits comfortably in a shoebox. The other has a diameter of 3,474 kilometres. Yet both emerge primarily at night, both have inspired devoted followings, and both have been photographed with alarming frequency. This analysis employs rigorous scientific methodology to determine which nocturnal icon truly deserves humanity's admiration.
Comparing a lifespan of 5 years to 4.5 billion years seems almost cruel. The Moon has been present for every hedgehog that has ever existed and will remain long after the last hedgehog has shuffled off this mortal coil.
Whilst hedgehog enthusiasts may argue that rarity enhances value, the Moon's democratic visibility cannot be dismissed. It has been seen by every human who has ever possessed functioning eyes and looked skyward. The hedgehog cannot compete with this level of market penetration.
The hedgehog's tremendous advantage in approachability cannot be overstated. Physical accessibility creates emotional bonds impossible with distant celestial objects. The hedgehog wins decisively by being here rather than there.
Sonic the Hedgehog cannot compete with 4,000 years of lunar worship, a moon landing watched by 600 million people, and appearing in literally every civilisation's mythology. The Moon's cultural impact is, quite literally, universal.
The hedgehog's spines, whilst impressive, cannot compete with 380,000 kilometres of vacuum and temperature extremes that would vaporise most predators. The Moon wins by making the very concept of attack logistically impossible.
The Winner Is
Our analysis reveals a contest between intimacy and immensity, between the touchable and the transcendent. The hedgehog offers what the Moon cannot: warmth, proximity, and the simple joy of watching something small eat a slug. These are not trivial gifts.
Yet the Moon's advantages prove overwhelming. Its visibility is universal, its defences impregnable, its cultural impact literally mythological, and its longevity effectively infinite. The hedgehog wins only in approachability, which, whilst emotionally significant, cannot offset being outweighed by a factor of approximately 10^22.
The final score of 58-42 to the Moon reflects both its cosmic superiority and our recognition that the hedgehog's accessibility represents genuine value. In matters of the heart, the hedgehog may yet triumph. In matters of everything else, the Moon simply cannot be matched.